Something happened last night. Something I never thought I'd be that close to. It was scary thinking about it. And knowing it had happened to someone I care for. It really stops and makes you think about how ugly and beautiful the world is all at the same time. It's a shame.

It's a shame people that do harmful things can't see the beauty the world has to offer. It's a shame some people can't experience the warmth of love in their hearts. That they obvioulsy don't have anyone to care about them. A relative...a friend. What happened last night made me think about how I would never want anyone I care about experiencing what my friend went through.

I think I've finally for once in my life figured out who I am. I've been told there's no one like me. I've been told I'm a one of a kind wonderful individual. I see it now.

I'm deep. Very philisophical about things. Always trying to understand the inter-workings of things around me. Weather that be another person or just the world around me in general. I feel the world and try everyday to think optomistically. I believe now more than ever Christi hasn't a clue who I really am because she only chooses to see what's on the surface. She's never been real deep about anything and to be honest I probably while with her never really thought about "the deep stuff" that I think about now.

She's passionate, but what is she passionate about? Family...I think that's the only thing I can think of. Music, but still all that's on the surface. When I listen to a song and feel the words and the music all around me I put myself in a place where I can imagine what that song writing was experiencing. Or how I relate my own experiences to the music. I've never had a converstation with Christi about what her ambitions in life are and what she plans to do for the rest of her life and where she's headed or where she wants to be headed. What kind of things she likes and what she likes about them. Where's she always wanted to travel or if she likes sunsets. I've never talked to her about mountains, stars, or oceans. What it feels like to experience those things. The taste of the salt in the air while the wind dances on your skin.

Does she like the colors of fall and does she like the smell of rain. We don't talk like that because everything is superficial. Everything is just yea that's cool. I need deeper feeling than that...which is why I don't understand her on the friend issue either. If she could feel that intese passion with me like I think we once did...or I'm not sure if we ever did. She would realize my mind will never stray. It would only stray when I felt like there was nothing there. Nothing hold us together. Be playful, be passionate, be humorus, and don't take things for granted. Just let it all be and come together as it should.

Not sure if that's possible. But I'd like to think so.

Well, I suppose this will be the official start of a new beginning for me. Christi has told me to leave her alone and I guess that's what I was waiting on. I was going to keep trying as long as I could. No point now. She "hates that she loves me." Who says that? That is so harsh.

Anyway, I suppose what I'll do now is just get her out of my system and then try to move on. I think about so many things and think "How am I going to get over it?"... "How am I going to move on?" I'm sure I will but it's going to take a while. I need to know the next girl is it. I don't want to do this again. I want to start life now. Living it. I'm not going to be 32 and doing this all over again.

So, as it stands lately has been very dull. Taking care of the house, the dog, spending some time with friends here and there. I got a new tattoo. I think it's time to cover Christi's zodiac. I really told myself I would never do that even if we didn't end up together forever. I'd always have it as a reminder of someone I was deeply in love with and very happy with at one time. Except I feel nothing but bitterness right now. Sweet bitterness. She's got no idea.

Don't really know what to blog about. Life's just stupid right now.

I see what has been wrong here. I see the problem that has bubbled between Christi and I for so long. I was reading (again) some past entries. I came across one where I quoted something my Mom said to me a while back. Something about never feeling like the most important thing in a man's life.

I can feel this one with everything in me now. I can see what I couldn't see before. I took it all for granted. I wanted to be happy and live my "I have a girl and I have great friends and family life" but what I didn't see was having those things and making sure I kept the one I love above it all. Yet at the same time Christi thought I was so caught up with other people she couldn't see how much I really loved her. She got angry about friends. Hell she still does when it's like you know why? Why get angry? Why not accept someone that's been there for you through tough times even before you were apart of each other's lives. For example...she still doesn't really like Ali. And why? I'm not sure. I really have no clue. And you know what's funny Ali is still there for me...excepts that I want Christi in my life and is happy for me.

I've always felt pretty much I think through everything that I wasn't the most important thing in her life. I want that. I want to make her feel that way and I want that in return. I'm simple I really am. I just need that feeling and I will be at your every need. I will do whatever I need to do. I will go out of my way to surprise you. I will go the edge and back. Crawl on my hands and knees and you will never wonder where my heart or mind is. You will know. I know Christi has a child and she has a lot of family to maintain. She has responsiblities with all that. I don't mean put me above Gavin but I do know that it is very easy to maintain both at pretty much the same level.

I want someone's heart to be on fire for mine. I want someone's soul to be one with mine. I want someone to be as happy as I am when I am with them and even when I'm away. I want to be able to talk about everything and nothing. I want to be in tune to each other's needs. I want someone to want me as badly as I want them. I want someone to look at me and think I am the most beautiful thing they have every laid eyes on. I want someone to want to know me inside and out. I want someone to miss me when I'm not around. I want someone to need me as badly as I need them. I want someone to want to help me with everything and nothing. I want someone to laugh with me. Sing with me. Dance with me. Hug me. Hold me. And feel as if they didn't have me then they could not go on. That's what I call being in love so deeply that "You don't want to go to sleep at night because your reality is better than your dreams."

If Christi could just see that and deal with things in a much different light. We could be strong no matter what. But I don't know if she's willing to do that.

So after what happened last night (and maybe I over reacted) I really don't know what to do anymore. I understand why Christi and I have had continued problems throughout the past year but hell who knows if that will change.

Part of me feels like giving up. I don't know that anything is ever going to be good again. But I feel like giving up makes me weak. And you know you can't make someone change. You can't make someone see your point of view. This is why I think maybe I should give up and get over it. I'm sure we'll both be fine. I love her. I've never loved anyone like I love her but you can't make someone love you in return.

I mean I've been reading over these past entries. I see my mistakes. I can work so they don't happen that way again. I can make her feel a way I've not let her feel in a long time. I see these mistakes like I've never seen them before. I may have said I saw them in the past but I don't think I really did. Not the way I do now.